Broken Heart, Sad, Emotional

How To Have Sex Without Getting Emotionally Attached

In today’s modern dating scene, there are more people than ever looking for casual hookups, with no strings attached.

For those that have tried it however, you may find it difficult to have sex with someone, without also developing an emotional attachment to that person. This is completely natural, but it’s also something that can be stopped if you become conscious of it.

So, if you want to enjoy all the fun that sex has to offer without becoming committed to another person – or letting them take over your thoughts, you’re in the right place. Let’s first look into the neuroscience discussing why sex leads to emotional attachment, and then what you can do to avoid it.

Why Sex Can Lead To Attachment

When we think about human behavior surrounding sex, it’s important to realize that our brains haven’t changed all that much from our caveman days.

Your brain is hardwired to focus on survival of both yourself and your offspring. Of course, in the modern age, we don’t have the same threats that we did thousands of years ago, but the way our brain operates is still largely the same.

When you touch someone else, and especially after you have an orgasm, your brain is flooded with a hormone called oxytocin. This is known as the ‘love’ or ‘bonding’ hormone, because well, it increases when making love and makes you want to bond with the person you’re with. It’s that warm, incredible feeling you get when holding someone you love in your arms, when you stay in bed and cuddle. It makes you feel happy, but in a different sort of way than a rush of dopamine would.

Dopamine is flooding you before and during sex. It leads to feelings of excitement, the kind you get before a reward. It makes you want to pursue sex and is part of what makes it so fun. Oxytocin and another hormone called vasopressin lead to the feelings of bonding and love that surround sex with someone else.

Anyhow, from an evolutionary perspective, it was beneficial to everyone’s survival if people were monogamous. A pregnant woman left on her own without a partner to help take care of her was at a higher risk of either dying herself, or their child not surviving to adulthood. Likewise, men also benefited from having a partner to help each other survive.

And since we didn’t have dating apps or densely populated cities thousands of years ago, partnering with someone also leads to a higher number of children – a good thing for the human race.

How To Avoid Emotional Attachment, And Enjoy Casual Sex

Although our brains push us to become attached to others during sex, we of course, are able to fight back. That’s one of the great things about being human – we have the intelligence and ability to make our own behavior, to shape our thoughts, and we do not operate solely on instincts.

Of course, love is complicated. You can do everything right and still develop feelings for someone – whether you are sexual with them or not. However, let’s look over some things you can do to minimize the chances.

1. Choose Your Playmate Carefully

The first thing you’ll want to be mindful of is who you actually have sex with.

This might go without saying, but you’ll probably become attached to some people easier than others. So let’s quickly rule out the obvious ones:

Don’t think you can continue having casual sex with exes, who you previously had a romantic relationship with. Even if you are both completely over each other, there are still neural pathways in your brain linking that person to romantic love. Having sex – like you did in your relationship, will light those pathways up brighter than a Taylor Swift concert. Don’t be surprised if you start thinking about all the good times, and magically forgetting all the bad.

On a similar token, be mindful of anyone you already have any sort of crush or feelings for. Sex will only amplify them further and will lead to even more pain when that person doesn’t reciprocate those feelings.

Finally, you should also be mindful of close friends as well. If you already get along well with someone, you have personal history together – even if completely platonic, adding sex into the mix means there’s very little that would separate your friends-with-benefits situation and a real relationship.

The closer you are with someone and the more you like them already – even if it’s completely platonic, the more likely sex is to lead to emotional attachment as well.

2. Keep The Sex, Remove The Intimacy

A lot of people equate sex with intimacy, but sexual intimacy is only one form of intimacy. I would argue that kissing someone under the stars after staring into each other’s eyes is far more intimate than sliding a penis in and out of a vagina.

Sex can be extremely emotional, intimate, and vulnerable. Or it can be wild, sporadic, and crazy fun. Often there’s a mix between the two. But head on over to The Hub and you can see that there is a wildly varying amount of intimacy between say, a slow, romantic sex scene between husband and wife, and a crazy gangbang with some bimbo guzzling cum.

You can have really fun sex without making it intimate. More tips I’m about to share will help with that further. But cuddling, kissing, slow romantic foreplay… these should obviously be avoided.

3. Avoid Relationship-Esque Behavior

Again, don’t get the wiring in your brain confused.

Keep your sexual fun strictly sexual. Avoid any behaviors that feel at all like they would belong in a relationship with someone.

This means no texting them good morning or good night. No telling each other that you miss them (even if it’s just their body.) No flirting. No staying the night and falling asleep together, even if it’s late and you’re exhausted.

When you’re having sex with someone, you’re already riding the line between developing romantic emotions. Don’t make it harder by sending your brain mixed signals.

4. Ensure Everyone Understands Clear Boundaries

If you’re going to be having casual sex with someone – especially if it’s on an ongoing basis, it’s important that you set up clear boundaries from the start.

This not only makes it easier to avoid emotional attachment, it also prevents anybody from getting hurt later on.

Some examples of boundaries include:

  • You’re still willing to see – and have sex with other people.
  • You won’t be going on dates.
  • You won’t be staying the night.
  • Determining the amount of acceptable contact.
  • Whether aftercare is needed, and to what degree.
  • What sexual acts are off limits.

Go crazy with this, see it as a rule book in which to operate. Ever had a boss tell you that you couldn’t do something, simply because it was “company policy?” Define your rules, and stick with them – regardless of what emotions may turn up in the meantime.

5. Focus On The Fun

Before, during, and after sex, make sure that you’re always focusing on the fun.

That is why you’re having casual sex, right? I mean, let’s be real here. Sex itself is fun. Having sex with different people is fun. Sex is a biological need, and some raw, passionate sex can satisfy it, regardless of who you do it with.

So, keep the focus on the sex itself. There is no need to have any serious discussions about anything, because what you’re doing isn’t serious.

If talks turn serious, remember that what you’re doing is not a serious situation. Therefore, there is nothing to talk about.

6. End It Quickly

I’ve kind of alluded to this one already, but after the sex is done, end everything quickly.

Don’t stay in bed cuddling or reminiscing about it. I understand some people need aftercare, but this should be kept to the minimum and you should move on with your day (or night) after the sex is over.

Some people say that casual sex this way can feel soulless, lifeless, or like you’re just masturbating using someone else’s body. But unless you’re experienced, the safest way to have casual sex is to yeet yourself out of there as quickly as possible once you’re done.

You came there to have sex, and to have sex only. You’re finished now. Unless you’re trying to build a connection with that person, what reason do you have to stay?

7. Remember – It’s Just Sex!

Finally, remember at the end of the day, sex is just sex. It’s just a penis going in and out of a vagina, or an anus, or two people playing with each other’s parts.

We’re taught culturally through our media that sex is reserved for relationships, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It can simply be something fun that two people enjoy together.

I enjoy playing board games with my friends, or playing music, or going to concerts together. And while I enjoy those activities, they are ultimately just something fun, a nice, shared experience.

If we were all more open sexually and realized that sex wasn’t such a big deal, it wouldn’t lead to attachment quite as easily!

Closing Thoughts

The truth is, casual sex isn’t for everyone. Some people get attached more easily than others, and that’s okay. What’s important is that you analyze yourself, you take steps to minimize the risk, and you have as much fun as possible.

After all, that’s kind of the point, right?

Although it’s not quite the same, I’ve had phone sex with thousands of guys, so I’ve seen a little bit about how this works. If you ever want to talk, give me a call! Otherwise, thanks for reading, and I hope you have an incredible day.

~ Lexi

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