Q&A: Should You REALLY Be Friends With Your Ex?

Ah, the age-old question: Can you stay friends with an ex?

Some say it’s impossible – like folding a fitted sheet or keeping a houseplant alive longer than three months. Others claim it’s not only possible, but preferable. (These are probably the same people who meditate daily and somehow enjoy jogging.)

The truth? It’s complicated. Some exes become lifelong friends. Others? Well, let’s just say you’d rather run into a grizzly bear in the woods than accidentally bump into them at a coffee shop.

So, can you really do it? Let’s break it down, so you can decide whether it’s the right decision for you!

The Myth Of “Let’s Just Be Friends”

After a breakup, one of two things usually happens:

1. One person (let’s call them the “Let’s stay friends” enthusiast) suggests keeping things platonic.
2. The other person (the “I’d rather set my hair on fire” realist) nods politely while mentally calculating the fastest escape route.

Why? Because “Let’s be friends” is often just breakup-speak for:

• “I don’t want to feel like the bad guy.”
• “I’m keeping you as backup.”
• “I haven’t fully processed this yet, but I also don’t want you to hate me.”

And sometimes? It’s genuine. But more on that later.

Red Flags You’re Not Actually “Just Friends”

Let’s be honest – some so-called “friendships” with exes are just romantic leftovers dressed up in polite texts and emotional check-ins. You might say you’re just friends, but if the vibe still feels like the deleted scenes of your old relationship, it’s time to get real.

If your stomach turns when you see their name pop up on social media with someone new, that’s not friendship – it’s possessiveness with a pretty filter. Or maybe you still talk every day, share your darkest fears, and send memes you know only they would get. Sure, it’s cute. But you’re not just friends. You’re emotionally entangled without the label, and it’s keeping both of you from moving on.

Then there’s the late-night messages – “Hey, just thinking about you,” or “Remember all those amazing nights we spent watching Lexi’s stream together?” They say it’s innocent, but let’s be honest: that’s a trip down memory lane with a one-way ticket back to heartbreak. Real friends don’t treat your boundaries like optional suggestions, and they definitely don’t make you feel confused, hopeful, or stuck.

If you’re constantly overanalyzing their texts, stalking their stories, or hoping they’ll eventually “come to their senses,” newsflash: that’s not friendship. That’s emotional limbo. And no one deserves to live there rent-free.

When Staying Friends Actually Works

Before we dive into the “Oh God, why?” scenarios, let’s acknowledge that some exes do transition into friendship seamlessly. Here’s when it stands a chance:

1. The Relationship Fizzled First

If the romantic spark died long before the breakup, staying friends can be shockingly easy. This usually happens when:

• You were basically roommates who shared a bed.
• Your “date nights” devolved into silent scrolling on opposite ends of the couch.
• The most exciting part of your relationship was arguing about whether to get Thai or Italian.

In these cases, friendship is just formalizing what already existed.

2. You Bonded Over Something Beyond Romance

Some relationships are built on shared interests rather than just shared hormones. Maybe you met in a book club, bonded over a mutual love of obscure indie bands, or survived an apocalyptic roommate situation together.

If the foundation wasn’t just romantic, staying friends feels less like a downgrade and more like returning to the natural order.

3. The Breakup Was Mutual and Respectful

This is the holy grail of post-romance friendships. If both people:

• Agreed the relationship had run its course.
• Didn’t drag each other through emotional warfare.
• Still genuinely like each other as people…

…then friendship isn’t just possible – it’s healthy.

(But let’s be real: This is rarer than a functional Wi-Fi connection on an airplane.)

When Friendship Is a Terrible, No-Good Idea

Now, for the cautionary tales. If any of these apply, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just walk away.

1. Someone Is Still in Love

If one person is secretly hoping for a reunion? Disaster.

Examples of this dynamic:

• “I’ll wait for them to realize they made a mistake.”
• “If I stay close, they’ll see how much better I am than their new partner.”
• “I just need to suffer in silence until they magically love me again.”

This isn’t friendship. It’s emotional self-torture – and it will blow up eventually. Avoid this at all costs.

2. The Breakup Was Ugly

If your last conversation involved screaming, broken plates, or police intervention? Maybe give friendship a few years. (Or a decade. Or never.)

Absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder – but it does make the brain forget why you wanted to throttle them.

If you long for someone – even a little bit, your brain will diminish the negative feelings you felt for them when you were actually together. Meanwhile, the good times will seem like fairy tales. It’s a trap!

3. Your Lives Are Too Intertwined

If you:

• Work together.
• Share custody of a pet (or child).
• Have the same friend group.

…then pretending to be “just friends” might be necessary – but it won’t be easy, nor does it need to reflect reality.

The Middle Ground: The “Friendly, Not Friends” Approach

Not ready for full friendship but don’t want total silence? Meet the Friendly, Not Friends zone.

This means:

• No late-night drunk texts.
• No plans to hang out one-on-one.
• A polite nod if you bump into each other in public.

It’s the “We shared a chapter, not a lifetime” approach – and honestly, it’s underrated.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Trying to Be Friends

Before you send that friendly “Hey stranger 😊” text, pause. Ask yourself a few hard-but-necessary questions – not because you’re weak, but because you deserve clarity (and maybe a little peace).

Start with the big one: Do I really want to be friends, or am I hoping this will somehow lead to a reunion? If there’s even a hint of “Maybe someday…” floating around in your subconscious, friendship isn’t going to be clean – it’s going to be messy, painful, and possibly humiliating.

Then, ask yourself how you’d feel if they fell in love with someone else. Like, deeply in love. Would you genuinely root for their happiness? Or would it feel like a personal betrayal? If the answer is anything other than “I’d be happy for them,” you might not be ready.

Also: Does staying in contact bring you peace or pain? Does talking to them help you heal – or does it stir up old hopes you thought you buried with that breakup playlist?

Finally, are you trying to stay friends because you’re scared of losing them… or because you actually value who they are, separate from who they were to you?

If you’re not sure, that’s okay. Take time. Heal. Let space do its thing. True friendship with an ex isn’t built in the ruins of what was – it’s built in the quiet, messy, awkward aftermath. And sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is wish them well from a very safe, very distant emotional zip code.

Closing Thoughts

Can you be friends with an ex? Yes, but not always – and almost never immediately.

Time and distance are your best allies. If you can look at them months (or years) later and feel nothing but warmth? Then maybe, maybe, friendship is on the table.

But if the thought of them dating someone else still makes your eye twitch? That’s not friendship. That’s denial.

If all else fails, remember this rule:

If you wouldn’t want to be stuck in an elevator with them, you probably shouldn’t be friends with them either.

~ Lexi

P.S. If you’re struggling with post-breakup emotions, may I suggest booking a call with me? I’d love to talk through things with you!