Do Soulmates Really Exist? Here’s The Truth…

We’ve all heard the stories – the fated lovers who meet by chance, the couples who just know they were meant to be together, the rom-com endings where true love finds a way – and everything seems to be choreographed by fate.

But if soulmates are real, why do so many of us end up swiping left on dating apps while eating cereal for dinner?

The idea of a soulmate – one perfect person destined for you – is one of the most enduring and debated concepts in love. Some swear by it, others dismiss it as fantasy, and a few of us are still waiting for ours to show up (preferably with pizza).

Considering the religious or spiritual nature of the idea, I may not be able to give you a definitive answer. What I CAN promise however is to give a fair look to both sides of the argument.

In this deep dive, we’ll explore things such as:

• The ancient origins of the soulmate myth.
• What science actually says about compatibility and lasting love.
• Why believing in “the one” might be hurting your love life.
• How to build meaningful connections without waiting for fate.
• Real-life stories that challenge – or confirm – the soulmate idea.

By the end, you’ll have a clearer understanding of whether soulmates exist – or if we’re all just figuring it out as we go.

Where Did This Soulmate Idea Come From?

If you want to point fingers at who started this whole “meant to be” business, look no further than ancient Greece. In Plato’s Symposium, the philosopher Aristophanes tells a story about humans originally being two-bodied creatures with four arms, four legs, and two faces. According to the myth, Zeus split them apart, leaving them to wander the earth searching for their other half.

It’s a poetic metaphor – but let’s be real, it also sounds like something someone came up with after one too many glasses of wine. Still, the idea stuck, evolving over centuries into the romantic notion we know today.

Fast-forward to the Romantic era of the 18th and 19th centuries, when poets like Lord Byron and William Wordsworth turned love into a dramatic, all-consuming force. Suddenly, love wasn’t just about companionship – it was about destiny, passion, and grand gestures. (And probably a lot of swooning.)

Then came Hollywood, which took the soulmate myth and ran with it. Movies like The Notebook and Sleepless in Seattle convinced us that true love is about instant recognition, dramatic reunions, and overcoming impossible odds. Meanwhile, in real life, most couples meet through friends, work, or – let’s be honest – a late-night DM.

The problem? When we expect love to feel like a movie, real relationships can seem lacking. If your partner forgets to take out the trash or hogs the blankets, it’s easy to wonder, Is this really my soulmate?

What Science Says About Love (Spoiler: It’s Not Magic)

If soulmates aren’t written in the stars, what does make love last? Science suggests it’s less about fate and more about biology, psychology, and a willingness to put up with each other’s weird habits.

The Three Stages of Love

Researchers break romantic attachment into three phases:

1. Lust (The “Hot Damn” Phase)
   • Driven by testosterone and estrogen, this is the initial burst of attraction.
   • It’s why new relationships feel electric – and also why you might ignore red flags because, well, they’re really cute.
2. Attraction (The Honeymoon Phase)
   • Here, dopamine and serotonin flood your brain, creating that giddy, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep feeling. It’s what leads to that ‘rush’ feeling of excitement and pure desire – the type of ‘falling in love’ rush that you see portrayed in movies.
   • Unfortunately, this phase doesn’t last forever. After a few months (or years), reality sets in – and suddenly, their snoring isn’t as endearing. Some people get addicted to this stage, constantly seeking out new partners as soon as this stage is over.
3. Attachment (The Long Haul)
   • This is where oxytocin and vasopressin kick in, fostering deep bonds and commitment.
   • Successful couples aren’t the ones who never fight – they’re the ones who learn to navigate conflicts without storming out.
   • Typically, attachment and deep love strengthen as time goes on.

Compatibility > Chemistry

Many people assume that if they haven’t found “the one,” they just haven’t met the right person yet. But studies show that shared values, communication skills, and emotional intelligence matter far more than some mystical spark.

A study found that couples who believed in “growth love” – the idea that relationships require effort – were happier than those waiting for a “perfect match.” Meanwhile, soulmate believers were more likely to break up when problems arose, assuming they’d chosen wrong.

The takeaway? Love isn’t about finding someone who’s perfect – it’s about choosing someone who’s worth the work.

Attachment Styles: Mistaking Chaos for Chemistry

Ever felt like you’re inexplicably drawn to someone – even when they’re objectively terrible for you? That could be your attachment style at play, not fate.

Psychologists identify four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. If you grew up with inconsistent or emotionally distant caregivers, you may have developed an anxious or avoidant style. This can cause your nervous system to interpret emotional highs and lows as passion –when really, it’s just instability.

You might think you’ve found your “soulmate” because the chemistry feels intense. But if the relationship is a rollercoaster of anxiety and withdrawal, it may be activating unresolved patterns – not revealing true love.

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer for your love life. When you know what feels familiar (but unhealthy), you can stop confusing chaos for connection – and start choosing partners who bring peace, not panic.

To learn more about attachment styles, check out this article here:

Attachment Styles: Everything You Need to Know

Timing Matters More Than We Think

The truth is, we don’t just fall in love with people – we fall in love with them at a certain time in our lives. And that timing matters more than soulmate myths would have us believe.

Think about it: Someone who might have been a disaster for you in your twenties could be perfect for you now. Or maybe the right person came along when you were emotionally unavailable, deep in career chaos, or still figuring out who you were. In another life, it might have worked – but life isn’t a fairytale montage.

Soulmate beliefs often ignore how dynamic people are. We grow. We change. And sometimes, love isn’t about finding the right person – it’s about becoming the right version of yourself, at the right time, with someone who’s also evolving.

The Dark Side of the Soulmate Myth

As romantic as the idea sounds, believing in soulmates can actually harm your love life. Here’s how:

1. The “Perfect Partner” Trap

If you expect your soulmate to read your mind, never annoy you, and always say the right thing, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Real love involves misunderstandings, compromises, and occasional eye-rolling.

2. The “Grass Is Greener” Syndrome

When relationships get tough, soulmate believers often wonder, What if someone better is out there? This mindset makes it easier to walk away instead of working through challenges.

3. Missing Out on Good Matches

Some people spend years waiting for “the one,” passing up great connections because they don’t feel “magical” enough. Meanwhile, the most successful couples are often the ones who grew together over time.

I couldn’t find the person who originally said this, but there’s a quote that I found online that I wanted to share. It reads:

“A soulmate isn’t someone who completes you – it’s someone who inspires you to complete yourself.”

A Better Approach to Love

If soulmates aren’t guaranteed by the universe, how should we think about love?

1. Focus on Compatibility

Look for someone who:

• Shares your core values
• Communicates openly (even when it’s uncomfortable)
• Handles conflict with respect

2. Embrace the Work

The strongest couples aren’t the ones who never fight – they’re the ones who learn to repair after disagreements.

3. Consider Multiple “Soulmates” For Certain Stages Of Your Life

Some researchers argue that there isn’t just one perfect person for everyone. Different partners can be right for different chapters of your life.

Real-Life Love Stories (That Defy the Soulmate Myth)

• A caller of mine’s grandparents’, who met at a diner in the 1950s, fought constantly but stayed together for 60 years. Their secret? “We just kept choosing each other.”
• A friend who married her college sweetheart – someone she believed to be their soulmate, then divorced and found even deeper love in her 40s.
• Couples who built love slowly, through friendship, shared goals, and a lot of patience.

These stories don’t involve fate or instant recognition – just real people making real commitments.

Closing Thoughts

So, do soulmates exist? It depends on how you define them.

• If you think a soulmate is someone who deeply understands and loves you? Then yes – but they’re made through time, effort, and mutual growth.
• If you think a soulmate is a flawless, predestined match? The evidence says no.

The truth? Lasting love isn’t about finding perfection – it’s about building something meaningful with an imperfect person who’s worth the effort.

So instead of waiting for destiny, focus on creating a love that lasts. Because in the end, that’s far more magical than any fairytale.

~ Lexi