While you likely wouldn’t get with someone who didn’t have a similar sex drive to you, it can be very frustrating when your partner suddenly stops having sex as much as they used to. In fact, this can severely affect your emotional well being, and it’s not an issue to be taken lightly!

So, you may be wondering – is it considered abuse if your partner deliberately withholds sex or intimacy from you? Is it ever okay, and if so when? And more importantly, what should you do if your partner is withholding sex to ensure the both of you can be happy again?

In this article, we’ll be answering all of these questions and more!

Is Withholding Sex Or Intimacy A Form Of Abuse?

I think that we establish early on that both sex and intimacy are biological needs. We are hardwired to seek out people to become close and develop intimate relationships with, and of course are driven to have sex to continue the existence of our species.

Just because you won’t die if you don’t have an orgasm, doesn’t make it any less important. SO much of our behavior is driven by our sexual needs and when these needs aren’t being fulfilled, it can cause a lot of problems on a psychological and emotional level.

When you establish a relationship with someone, the two of you already have some sort of expectation on what level of intimacy and sex that you need from each other. But what if your partner betrays these expectations? What if you are used to having regular sex, and suddenly they are choosing to withhold it from you? Is this actually abusive?

I think it depends on the context of the situation.

I believe that we all have the right to say no to sex at any given time. If you’re feeling sick, you’re legitimately exhausted, you’re in pain, etc, you shouldn’t be expected to have sex. I do not consider this to be a form of abuse.

If however, your partner is deliberately withholding sex in order to get something from you – be it agree to a decision, give them something they want, or to punish you for something you did, then this can be a form of emotional abuse.

This is manipulative at best, and is a common tactic used by narcissistic people to control others. It is never okay, and can leave you feeling betrayed, abandoned, and it can erode your self-esteem.

Sex should never be used as a tool to get something you want. Period.

This is the same sort of manipulative behavior as controlling all of the finances, or refusing to get things in both of your names so one partner is reliant and can’t leave you. Or pinning kids against the other parent. Or preventing a partner from getting a job, furthering their education, controlling who they can see, and so on.

If a partner is preventing you from having a biological need for their own selfish gain, this is abuse and points to an even bigger underlying problem.

Is Cheating Okay In This Scenario?

If your partner is no longer fulfilling your sexual and intimate needs, it can lead you to wonder whether or not something like cheating would be justified.

I can’t tell you how to live your life, but I do believe that cheating can be a band-aid at best, but ultimately is likely to cause even more problems.

If sex is being withheld, there is some larger underlying issue that needs to be addressed. It could be manipulation. It could be some sort of power dynamic, or the only way they feel they have leverage over you. It could be because the other person legitimately has no sex drive anymore – which can be caused by anything from new medications, to work stress, to depression. It could be caused by something else entirely.

If you really feel like you need to cheat, then it’s probably worth reevaluating whether or not the two of you are actually still compatible with each other. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and there’s nothing wrong with ending a partnership that is no longer right for the two of you. It’s hard, but sometimes it’s the right option.

Before making any drastic decisions either way, I’d love for you to get in touch with me to see if there’s any insight or advice that may help!

What To Do If Your Spouse Is Withholding Sex

Rebuilding the intimacy when one partner is withholding it can be difficult, and your approach depends heavily on why exactly it’s being done.

If you don’t already know the reason, it’s very important to sit down and have a direct, confrontational talk where you figure out what’s going on. Directly state why sex and intimacy are so important to you, and how their actions are hurting you. If you are someone that will turn to fill your needs elsewhere – like porn or with another person, make sure they know this ISN’T what you want – the goal is to continue having sex with each other.

Avoid allowing them to redirect the blame to you – this is an example of narcissistic behavior and won’t help overcome this problem.

If they are open about withholding sex to get something, let them know that this behavior is not acceptable and the two of you must find other, healthier ways to reach a compromise.

If the withholding of sex is due to something like depression or past trauma, it’s important that you show empathy, support and understanding for your partner as well. It can be useful to start with smaller activities, like holding hands while you go on a walk or watching a romance movie together before moving onto things like kissing and touching.

Note that just because you are perceiving your partner as withholding sex, doesn’t mean that they see it that way, or are doing it deliberately. They may not even realize that you’ve been having sex less frequently than usual – it may not be something that’s even crossed their mind. Or, there could be multiple reasons behind it that even they aren’t sure of. This is why communication is so important!

Ultimately, this can be a complex topic with a lot of underlying issues. It can be hard for the both of you to be vulnerable to each other and really get to the bottom of it. If you need help, I’d love to do a call with you that can help the both of you get back on the right track – and solve this issue for good!

Closing Thoughts

Sex is something that should always be done willingly by both partners. While it’s normal not to be up for it every single time the other person is ready to go, withholding sex can become abusive if it’s used as a tool to get something you want, to assert power over another person, or as a form of punishment.

Because sex and intimacy play such an important role in our lives, it’s important that the problem is addressed, and the two of you are able to work through it together if you want your marriage to last.

If your partner is withholding sex from you – or you’re doing it to your partner, I’d love to hear your story. Chances are, there are others in the same situation you’re in right now. Do us all a favor and leave a comment below, so we can all hear what you have to say!

Here’s hoping things get better soon, and don’t be afraid to reach out for further help!

~ Lexi

Lewd Lexi

Lewd Lexi is a professional adult voice actress, phone sex operator, and sexuality educator. Here on LewdLexi.com, she shares not only her newest releases and projects, but works to provide resources to give everyone a better sex life!

Consider signing up to her email newsletter to stay up-to-date with newest releases, along with a bunch of other goodies you can learn about by clicking here!

lewdlexi.com

Fetishes – although they can be fun to indulge in, can quickly become distressing if you are ashamed or embarrassed of them – or they actively harm your sex life.

Thankfully, although many people believe that fetishes will always be a part of you, it turns out that this isn’t always the case.
So, let’s look over different types of fetishes, and how you may be able to eliminate your urges or thoughts towards them entirely.

Innate Vs Developed Fetishes

It’s important to understand that there are two different ‘types’ of fetishes that you can sort of categorize them into.

The first is fetishes that are innate to your sexuality. These will have always been there, or may have been suddenly awoken within you the first time they were exposed to you – through an online video, or through sex itself.

Unfortunately, according to modern research, these fetishes cannot be eliminated. Just like you can’t change your sexual orientation, these fetishes can be suppressed, but not really removed.

However, perhaps a more common type of fetish that we’re seeing today, is developed fetishes, or obsessions with specific sexual acts.

(Some people would say these aren’t classified as a ‘fetish’ at all, but most normal people would call them one.)

With the advancement of online video and other immersive pornographic media, there has been a huge surge in people’s sexual tastes become more and more extreme, fringe, or unique.

Think about it – half of the ‘weird stuff’ you see online wouldn’t be something you’d ever be exposed to in normal sex. But now that we have millions of videos at our fingertips, “normal” porn has become boring to many people. So, they seek out something new, until that too becomes boring, and their tastes get pushed further and further in more extreme directions.

Porn companies know this, and play on it heavily. And that’s how we ended up with entire studios dedicated to nothing but tentacle porn.

Anyway, these new fetishes you’ve developed over time – that I call ‘developed fetishes’, CAN be removed or reversed. And I know this, because I’ve worked with people on the phone in both directions – with people who want to acquire a fetish, and to remove one.

And when you look at it biologically, it just makes sense.

How New Fetishes Develop

Although I (and many others) often feel like a mindless zombie while watching porn, the truth is that there is a lot going on in the brain while you do so.

But, let’s keep things simple.

Sex and reproduction is a basic human need. It drives a lot of behavior. It turns out, the chemical in our brain that pushes us to take action – dopamine, is released when you acquire or anticipate requiring a reward – i.e, that hot chick on your screen with some nice cheeks on her caboose.

Your brain likes this. And as you get pleasure – and dopamine release from browsing porn, new neural pathways in your brain are built.

But, as you are given the same reward over and over again, the dopamine response isn’t as strong. This is as true for a hot juicy steak as it is for a hot piece of ass. If you are given the same thing over and over again, you aren’t as excited by it. So, you seek out something new.

This is exactly how fetishes escalate.

And as these new neural pathways in your brain start to build up (by associating the fetish with pleasure and dopamine release), your brain jumps straight to craving these new and novel things straight away. Eventually, it gets to the point where ‘normal sex’ just isn’t as interesting or exciting to you any more.

‘Use It Or Lose It’

Put simply, the easiest way for these fetishes to begin dissipating is to avoid partaking in them.

Many people who have stopped watching porn entirely have reported that these fetishes disappeared completely, and did not return, even if their porn consumption resumed.

While quitting porn entirely isn’t exactly necessary (despite probably being the most effective way to go about it), you do want to avoid partaking in the fetish at all.

Even thinking about it or allowing yourself to crave it can prolong its existence.

So, you’ll almost need to reach a meditative like state – where even if the thought of the fetish comes into your mind, you simply push it out and refuse to think about it further.

Over time, the neural pathways related to this fetish will begin to break down, and your cravings for the fetish will begin to diminish.

This entire process can take as little as 30 days, to several months or longer depending on the strength and intensity of the fetish, as well as long as you’ve had it.

Obviously, the more intense the fetish – and the longer you’ve had it, the longer it will take to get rid of it.

During this time, you should be careful to avoid any ‘triggers’, or behavior / media linked to the fetish.

For example, if you were trying to get rid of a lacation fetish, it would be best to avoid any fetish porn that focuses heavily on a woman’s breasts.

Fetishes Aren’t Something To Be Ashamed Of

Bear in mind that fetishes aren’t something that you need to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Everyone has them, and even ‘extreme’ fetishes are normal to have. It doesn’t make you a freak, a porn addict, or a bad person.

I believe that unless a fetish…

• Directly harms you or other people, either mentally or physically
• Involves someone without their consent (not just in thoughts or fantasies, but in actual actions – for example, spying on people, or pressuring partners into uncomfortable situations.)
• Takes over your mind until you can’t enjoy sex or masturbation without it

…Then it’s completely fine!

Even if your fetishes are dark or would make others uncomfortable, you should not feel bad about them at all unless they remain just fantasies.

As a phone sex operator, I have helped a lot of people work through fetishes they were very embarrassed or ashamed of. Most people I talk to are good people.

Your fetishes do not define you.

Closing Thoughts

Unfortunately, you may not be able to remove a fetish that’s an innate part of your sexuality, and has been with you your entire life.

However, you can typically ‘lose’ fetishes that were developed recently or through the use of pornography. By avoiding partaking in this fetish – and thinking about it as little as possible, the neural pathways in your brain will break down. Over time, you’ll find yourself craving the fetish less and less, until eventually you hardly think about it at all.

If you have any questions, let me know via the comments below. And of course, if you want to try out some other porn instead, sign up for my Patreon – I post 8 or more exclusive audios every month for you to listen to instead!

Or, check out my clips on Clips4Sale and Manyvids.

– Lexi

Lewd Lexi

Lewd Lexi is a professional adult voice actress, phone sex operator, and sexuality educator. Here on LewdLexi.com, she shares not only her newest releases and projects, but works to provide resources to give everyone a better sex life!

Consider signing up to her email newsletter to stay up-to-date with newest releases, along with a bunch of other goodies you can learn about by clicking here!

lewdlexi.com