But if soulmates are real, why do so many of us end up swiping left on dating apps while eating cereal for dinner?

The idea of a soulmate – one perfect person destined for you – is one of the most enduring and debated concepts in love. Some swear by it, others dismiss it as fantasy, and a few of us are still waiting for ours to show up (preferably with pizza).

Considering the religious or spiritual nature of the idea, I may not be able to give you a definitive answer. What I CAN promise however is to give a fair look to both sides of the argument.

In this deep dive, we’ll explore things such as:

• The ancient origins of the soulmate myth.
• What science actually says about compatibility and lasting love.
• Why believing in “the one” might be hurting your love life.
• How to build meaningful connections without waiting for fate.
• Real-life stories that challenge – or confirm – the soulmate idea.

By the end, you’ll have a clearer understanding of whether soulmates exist – or if we’re all just figuring it out as we go.

Where Did This Soulmate Idea Come From?

If you want to point fingers at who started this whole “meant to be” business, look no further than ancient Greece. In Plato’s Symposium, the philosopher Aristophanes tells a story about humans originally being two-bodied creatures with four arms, four legs, and two faces. According to the myth, Zeus split them apart, leaving them to wander the earth searching for their other half.

It’s a poetic metaphor – but let’s be real, it also sounds like something someone came up with after one too many glasses of wine. Still, the idea stuck, evolving over centuries into the romantic notion we know today.

Fast-forward to the Romantic era of the 18th and 19th centuries, when poets like Lord Byron and William Wordsworth turned love into a dramatic, all-consuming force. Suddenly, love wasn’t just about companionship – it was about destiny, passion, and grand gestures. (And probably a lot of swooning.)

Then came Hollywood, which took the soulmate myth and ran with it. Movies like The Notebook and Sleepless in Seattle convinced us that true love is about instant recognition, dramatic reunions, and overcoming impossible odds. Meanwhile, in real life, most couples meet through friends, work, or – let’s be honest – a late-night DM.

The problem? When we expect love to feel like a movie, real relationships can seem lacking. If your partner forgets to take out the trash or hogs the blankets, it’s easy to wonder, Is this really my soulmate?

What Science Says About Love (Spoiler: It’s Not Magic)

If soulmates aren’t written in the stars, what does make love last? Science suggests it’s less about fate and more about biology, psychology, and a willingness to put up with each other’s weird habits.

The Three Stages of Love

Researchers break romantic attachment into three phases:

1. Lust (The “Hot Damn” Phase)
   • Driven by testosterone and estrogen, this is the initial burst of attraction.
   • It’s why new relationships feel electric – and also why you might ignore red flags because, well, they’re really cute.
2. Attraction (The Honeymoon Phase)
   • Here, dopamine and serotonin flood your brain, creating that giddy, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep feeling. It’s what leads to that ‘rush’ feeling of excitement and pure desire – the type of ‘falling in love’ rush that you see portrayed in movies.
   • Unfortunately, this phase doesn’t last forever. After a few months (or years), reality sets in – and suddenly, their snoring isn’t as endearing. Some people get addicted to this stage, constantly seeking out new partners as soon as this stage is over.
3. Attachment (The Long Haul)
   • This is where oxytocin and vasopressin kick in, fostering deep bonds and commitment.
   • Successful couples aren’t the ones who never fight – they’re the ones who learn to navigate conflicts without storming out.
   • Typically, attachment and deep love strengthen as time goes on.

Compatibility > Chemistry

Many people assume that if they haven’t found “the one,” they just haven’t met the right person yet. But studies show that shared values, communication skills, and emotional intelligence matter far more than some mystical spark.

A study found that couples who believed in “growth love” – the idea that relationships require effort – were happier than those waiting for a “perfect match.” Meanwhile, soulmate believers were more likely to break up when problems arose, assuming they’d chosen wrong.

The takeaway? Love isn’t about finding someone who’s perfect – it’s about choosing someone who’s worth the work.

Attachment Styles: Mistaking Chaos for Chemistry

Ever felt like you’re inexplicably drawn to someone – even when they’re objectively terrible for you? That could be your attachment style at play, not fate.

Psychologists identify four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. If you grew up with inconsistent or emotionally distant caregivers, you may have developed an anxious or avoidant style. This can cause your nervous system to interpret emotional highs and lows as passion –when really, it’s just instability.

You might think you’ve found your “soulmate” because the chemistry feels intense. But if the relationship is a rollercoaster of anxiety and withdrawal, it may be activating unresolved patterns – not revealing true love.

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer for your love life. When you know what feels familiar (but unhealthy), you can stop confusing chaos for connection – and start choosing partners who bring peace, not panic.

To learn more about attachment styles, check out this article here:

Attachment Styles: Everything You Need to Know

Timing Matters More Than We Think

The truth is, we don’t just fall in love with people – we fall in love with them at a certain time in our lives. And that timing matters more than soulmate myths would have us believe.

Think about it: Someone who might have been a disaster for you in your twenties could be perfect for you now. Or maybe the right person came along when you were emotionally unavailable, deep in career chaos, or still figuring out who you were. In another life, it might have worked – but life isn’t a fairytale montage.

Soulmate beliefs often ignore how dynamic people are. We grow. We change. And sometimes, love isn’t about finding the right person – it’s about becoming the right version of yourself, at the right time, with someone who’s also evolving.

The Dark Side of the Soulmate Myth

As romantic as the idea sounds, believing in soulmates can actually harm your love life. Here’s how:

1. The “Perfect Partner” Trap

If you expect your soulmate to read your mind, never annoy you, and always say the right thing, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Real love involves misunderstandings, compromises, and occasional eye-rolling.

2. The “Grass Is Greener” Syndrome

When relationships get tough, soulmate believers often wonder, What if someone better is out there? This mindset makes it easier to walk away instead of working through challenges.

3. Missing Out on Good Matches

Some people spend years waiting for “the one,” passing up great connections because they don’t feel “magical” enough. Meanwhile, the most successful couples are often the ones who grew together over time.

I couldn’t find the person who originally said this, but there’s a quote that I found online that I wanted to share. It reads:

“A soulmate isn’t someone who completes you – it’s someone who inspires you to complete yourself.”

A Better Approach to Love

If soulmates aren’t guaranteed by the universe, how should we think about love?

1. Focus on Compatibility

Look for someone who:

• Shares your core values
• Communicates openly (even when it’s uncomfortable)
• Handles conflict with respect

2. Embrace the Work

The strongest couples aren’t the ones who never fight – they’re the ones who learn to repair after disagreements.

3. Consider Multiple “Soulmates” For Certain Stages Of Your Life

Some researchers argue that there isn’t just one perfect person for everyone. Different partners can be right for different chapters of your life.

Real-Life Love Stories (That Defy the Soulmate Myth)

• A caller of mine’s grandparents’, who met at a diner in the 1950s, fought constantly but stayed together for 60 years. Their secret? “We just kept choosing each other.”
• A friend who married her college sweetheart – someone she believed to be their soulmate, then divorced and found even deeper love in her 40s.
• Couples who built love slowly, through friendship, shared goals, and a lot of patience.

These stories don’t involve fate or instant recognition – just real people making real commitments.

Closing Thoughts

So, do soulmates exist? It depends on how you define them.

• If you think a soulmate is someone who deeply understands and loves you? Then yes – but they’re made through time, effort, and mutual growth.
• If you think a soulmate is a flawless, predestined match? The evidence says no.

The truth? Lasting love isn’t about finding perfection – it’s about building something meaningful with an imperfect person who’s worth the effort.

So instead of waiting for destiny, focus on creating a love that lasts. Because in the end, that’s far more magical than any fairytale.

~ Lexi

Lewd Lexi

Lewd Lexi is a professional adult voice actress, phone sex operator, and sexuality educator. Here on LewdLexi.com, she shares not only her newest releases and projects, but works to provide resources to give everyone a better sex life!

Consider signing up to her email newsletter to stay up-to-date with newest releases, along with a bunch of other goodies you can learn about by clicking here!

lewdlexi.com

While you likely wouldn’t get with someone who didn’t have a similar sex drive to you, it can be very frustrating when your partner suddenly stops having sex as much as they used to. In fact, this can severely affect your emotional well being, and it’s not an issue to be taken lightly!

So, you may be wondering – is it considered abuse if your partner deliberately withholds sex or intimacy from you? Is it ever okay, and if so when? And more importantly, what should you do if your partner is withholding sex to ensure the both of you can be happy again?

In this article, we’ll be answering all of these questions and more!

Is Withholding Sex Or Intimacy A Form Of Abuse?

I think that we establish early on that both sex and intimacy are biological needs. We are hardwired to seek out people to become close and develop intimate relationships with, and of course are driven to have sex to continue the existence of our species.

Just because you won’t die if you don’t have an orgasm, doesn’t make it any less important. SO much of our behavior is driven by our sexual needs and when these needs aren’t being fulfilled, it can cause a lot of problems on a psychological and emotional level.

When you establish a relationship with someone, the two of you already have some sort of expectation on what level of intimacy and sex that you need from each other. But what if your partner betrays these expectations? What if you are used to having regular sex, and suddenly they are choosing to withhold it from you? Is this actually abusive?

I think it depends on the context of the situation.

I believe that we all have the right to say no to sex at any given time. If you’re feeling sick, you’re legitimately exhausted, you’re in pain, etc, you shouldn’t be expected to have sex. I do not consider this to be a form of abuse.

If however, your partner is deliberately withholding sex in order to get something from you – be it agree to a decision, give them something they want, or to punish you for something you did, then this can be a form of emotional abuse.

This is manipulative at best, and is a common tactic used by narcissistic people to control others. It is never okay, and can leave you feeling betrayed, abandoned, and it can erode your self-esteem.

Sex should never be used as a tool to get something you want. Period.

This is the same sort of manipulative behavior as controlling all of the finances, or refusing to get things in both of your names so one partner is reliant and can’t leave you. Or pinning kids against the other parent. Or preventing a partner from getting a job, furthering their education, controlling who they can see, and so on.

If a partner is preventing you from having a biological need for their own selfish gain, this is abuse and points to an even bigger underlying problem.

Is Cheating Okay In This Scenario?

If your partner is no longer fulfilling your sexual and intimate needs, it can lead you to wonder whether or not something like cheating would be justified.

I can’t tell you how to live your life, but I do believe that cheating can be a band-aid at best, but ultimately is likely to cause even more problems.

If sex is being withheld, there is some larger underlying issue that needs to be addressed. It could be manipulation. It could be some sort of power dynamic, or the only way they feel they have leverage over you. It could be because the other person legitimately has no sex drive anymore – which can be caused by anything from new medications, to work stress, to depression. It could be caused by something else entirely.

If you really feel like you need to cheat, then it’s probably worth reevaluating whether or not the two of you are actually still compatible with each other. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and there’s nothing wrong with ending a partnership that is no longer right for the two of you. It’s hard, but sometimes it’s the right option.

Before making any drastic decisions either way, I’d love for you to get in touch with me to see if there’s any insight or advice that may help!

What To Do If Your Spouse Is Withholding Sex

Rebuilding the intimacy when one partner is withholding it can be difficult, and your approach depends heavily on why exactly it’s being done.

If you don’t already know the reason, it’s very important to sit down and have a direct, confrontational talk where you figure out what’s going on. Directly state why sex and intimacy are so important to you, and how their actions are hurting you. If you are someone that will turn to fill your needs elsewhere – like porn or with another person, make sure they know this ISN’T what you want – the goal is to continue having sex with each other.

Avoid allowing them to redirect the blame to you – this is an example of narcissistic behavior and won’t help overcome this problem.

If they are open about withholding sex to get something, let them know that this behavior is not acceptable and the two of you must find other, healthier ways to reach a compromise.

If the withholding of sex is due to something like depression or past trauma, it’s important that you show empathy, support and understanding for your partner as well. It can be useful to start with smaller activities, like holding hands while you go on a walk or watching a romance movie together before moving onto things like kissing and touching.

Note that just because you are perceiving your partner as withholding sex, doesn’t mean that they see it that way, or are doing it deliberately. They may not even realize that you’ve been having sex less frequently than usual – it may not be something that’s even crossed their mind. Or, there could be multiple reasons behind it that even they aren’t sure of. This is why communication is so important!

Ultimately, this can be a complex topic with a lot of underlying issues. It can be hard for the both of you to be vulnerable to each other and really get to the bottom of it. If you need help, I’d love to do a call with you that can help the both of you get back on the right track – and solve this issue for good!

Closing Thoughts

Sex is something that should always be done willingly by both partners. While it’s normal not to be up for it every single time the other person is ready to go, withholding sex can become abusive if it’s used as a tool to get something you want, to assert power over another person, or as a form of punishment.

Because sex and intimacy play such an important role in our lives, it’s important that the problem is addressed, and the two of you are able to work through it together if you want your marriage to last.

If your partner is withholding sex from you – or you’re doing it to your partner, I’d love to hear your story. Chances are, there are others in the same situation you’re in right now. Do us all a favor and leave a comment below, so we can all hear what you have to say!

Here’s hoping things get better soon, and don’t be afraid to reach out for further help!

~ Lexi

Lewd Lexi

Lewd Lexi is a professional adult voice actress, phone sex operator, and sexuality educator. Here on LewdLexi.com, she shares not only her newest releases and projects, but works to provide resources to give everyone a better sex life!

Consider signing up to her email newsletter to stay up-to-date with newest releases, along with a bunch of other goodies you can learn about by clicking here!

lewdlexi.com